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live every week like it's shark week
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2008|11:50 am] |
So I'm doing this experiment and I need some help. If you see this, will you please write me a letter? It can be a letter about anything at all- what you ate that day, something that made you sad, who you love-- anything at all that you want to write about. And it can be short or long or whatever- it's up to you, I just need letters. And if you write me a letter, will you please email it to jmkrammes@gmail.com?
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2008|11:42 am] |
The last time I posted was when I graduated in college in May which is why I guess it's appropriate to post today and say that I made my first student loan repayment this morning. $205.21. OUCH. And for what? The privilege of writing a million papers and getting hit on by the skeezy guys in my classes whose feet always smelled bad because they wore Rainbow flip flops year fucking round? Actually I did get something out of it. I'm totally dating one of my former professors now. I had the HUGEST crush on him. He left the school in May and we ended up hooking up. It's sort of like a movie, though I don't know which one. In a couple weeks I am moving out to Austin, Texas to live with him. I think I will tell him HE can take up my student loan repayments for me since he has my education to thank for even getting introduced to me. Then again maybe I will tell him to take that money and buy me lots of underwear at Victoria's Secret. And Diet Coke. He needs to keep the fridge stocked like a good wife.
I am completely addicted to Rihanna's song Rehab and also Kill the Lights by Miss Britney Jean Spears. The cookbook that Trisha Yearwood wrote is really good. Garth Brooks makes pasta salad and she calls him Gartha Stewart. LOL. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2008|07:14 pm] |
I AM A GODDAMNED COLLEGE GRADUATE!
Kelly, Me, and Sarah at THE LADY AND SONS Friday night
I did not sleep from 5 am Thursday morning to 1 am Saturday morning, LITERALLY, and I was beyond wiped out... but some Paula Deen food sure helped fix that a little. (So did that glass of cab which I took turns double fisting along with my sweet tea.)
My sisters and I on River Street after Lady and Sons Friday night. At one point we lost my aunt and I said, "Oh I think I see her, let me go get her," but what I really did was hop into Wet Willie's real quick and get a margarita, cause in Savannah there's no open container laws. Fuck yeahhhh. When Sarah saw this she asked me, "So are you like an alcoholic now?" LOLOL!! Because I had a glass of wine with dinner also. WOW, GET CRAZY, SARAH.
Me and Haley enjoying a few Sweetwater 420s with Dad before heading back to Statesboro from Savannah Saturday night after we went to Uncle Bubba's for dinner. Uncle Bubba is Paula Deen's brother and that fatass sure does not know how to cook grits, let me tell you that.
Bunch of BAMFs taking to the field, where we sat for 3 hours while 2,300 names were called, JEEZ.
LOL!!! My grandparents are the proudest old people ever right now. My grandpa told me that I have always been his favorite girl, ever since I was a baby, and I told him I was going to tell my sister he said that. HAHAHAHA. Then he got pissed at me. I think I "ruined a moment." He was already testy because earlier his Tom Tom had given him faulty directions and he's obsessed with discovering the best route to anywhere he needs to go, always.
My mom, me, Kelly, and my baby brother Alex. How fucking ugly are cap'n'gowns? Pretty goddamned atrocious. On my way up from the field to meet my family after the ceremony was over I took it off and tried to get out of having pictures made with it. But those bitches made me put it right back on!
After spending a lot of nice quality time with my family for two days I needed to get fucking drunk. Haley and I headed up to Rudy's when we blew back into town (after chugging 40s of Bud Light during the 45 minute car ride from Savannah to Statesboro to keep that buzz going, because we are endlessly classy) and ran into a bunch of people I work with.
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST PICTURE I HAVE EVER SEEN OF BG, EVER. I woke up this morning to a bunch of pictures from last night tagged on Facebook and when I got to this one I busted out laughing
Ew look at Nick being a creeper in the background.
Otherwise this is cute.
A Marc by Marc Jacobs store just opened in Savannah and that asshole Haley is pointing to was wearing a man-purse from there. It was totally girly! It didn't even truly qualify as a man-purse. It was gorgeous and I wanted the SHIT out of it and this dick was strutting around Savannah, Georgia in it without a lick of shame.
Anyway now I have a degree and no class tomorrow and I don't know what to do with myself! Also I'm really embarrassed of myself because I can't stop listening to Damn Yankees' "High Enough." WTF is wrong with me. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2008|10:55 pm] |
I graduate college in 6 days. Maybe it's 5. You can tell I earned that degree! The hottest teacher I've ever had STILL hasn't made me perform sexual favors on him. He keeps giving me As solely on the basis of "good work." Why does he have to BE like that??
Here's some recent pictures.
LOLOL @ Sarah's face. The news was really exciting that day.
MOTHERFUCKING PAULA FUCKING HIERS DEEN GROOVER'S RESTAURANT, THE LADY AND SONS
I have been here several times now. It's just as good everytime. I passed out on the way home in a food coma. And then FOR WHATEVER REASON, went and got ice cream as soon as I got home ugh wtf why did I do that.
I'm going back Friday night with my family since I'm graduating Saturday and they want to celebrate my achievement by treating themselves to Paula Deen food. I told my waiter to look out for me. "I graduate this weekend Mike, whoop whoop!" He said, "Whoop whoop!" then threw Nick the check.
Here I am the first time I ever went to L&S which was in 2005 while the Gay and Lesbian Pride Festival was going on in downtown Savannah. I'm not a lesbian but I thought it would be fun to go. It was.
OMG is he not the cutest thing you've ever seen. He is like 5'2 115 lbs and I could just eat him up and put him in my pocket and tote him around. Like Prince.
This time last year I was heading for India for 3 weeks. That's a bummer in comparison to my life this year which consists of me doing hella Statistics homework, eating shitloads of Saltines and wrangling my belongings from the jaws of my beagle. Fuck that dog. He chewed up my sunglasses AND my remote control. Fucker.
Here I am at the Ganges last year. Five feet downriver from me people were shitting and bathing. I stuck my fingers in and then pulled them out and doused them in Purell, which, had I had any sense at all I wouldn't have bothered because India is fucking DISGUSTING which I soon learned afterward.
I found this on some website. This is a timeline of the changing faces of Betty Crocker, and let me tell you, that frigid bitch clearly DE-AGES as time goes on. She is much younger in 65 and 68 than she was in 36 and who the fuck even KNOWS what was going on in 1955. I found this endlessly fascinating. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2008|06:15 pm] |
That is definitely camping toilet paper
And it was definitely a gift
Jack London is the hottest old time person I've ever seen.
Can't say so much for John C. Calhoun, though. |
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| My Celebrity Look-alikes |
[Apr. 18th, 2008|02:23 pm] |
 MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Geneology - Free family tree
I am so insulted. Do you see that slag directly below me? Myheritage thinks I look 78% like her. LIKE KIMBERLY STEWART!!
What a burn.
To prove to myself I don't REALLY look like Kimberly Stewart (shudders) I chose a different picture:
and this time it told me I look like Mimi.
FUCKING SCORE!!
So ~for the record~ if anyone asks I look like Mariah Carey not fucking Kimberly Stewart. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|02:25 pm] |
LOLs from the AKC Yukanuba National Championship:
Announcer 1: Here comes the Portuguese Water Dog, Joaquin. Joaquin on water!!!
On the dog named Bubba but nicknamed "Big Sexy"
Announcer 1: Excellent owner.
Announcer 2: You better believe it.
Announcer 1: His hobbies are climbing trees and chasing sparrows. Tell me, how does a giant schnauzer climb trees?
Annnouncer 2: I have no idea.
I ate at Paula Deen's restaurant The Lady and Sons the other night and it was motherfucking DELICIOUS. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|09:25 pm] |
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Today in American Lit we had to drag our desks into a big circle and then put nametags on our desks. Apparently this "facilitates discussion" or something. In fact, I feel it hindered discussion, at least on my part. Since I could face everyone, I just studied their faces and watched everyone like a magpie the whole class instead of paying attention to the discussion. At one point the teacher said, "Well, let's hash this out. I think with our considerable literary minds we can do that somewhat." In my head I totally LOLed and then I looked to the guy next to me to see if he thought it was as funny as I did, but he didn't. He had a look on his face that suggested he did consider us to be considerable literary minds. Yah ok. Sure. I wrote in my notes, "Considerable literary mind next to you is a pill." Just in case I forgot. I turned to see what the girl on the other side of me was up to and if she'd be any use to me, but then I saw she was sketching the teacher in a small notepad and I just gave up and stared at the others for the rest of the class. One guy had on a black tshirt that said "Kiss Kiss" and so then I got that Chris Brown song stuck in my head. Scene from a Round Table Lit discussion:
Dr. Town: So, what do we think the intention of these travel logs were? Are they literature? Do they count as literature in a sense?
Me, in my head: She want that lovey dovey, that kiss kiss
Considerable Literary Mind: Definitely not. This is mere reporting, there's no narrative or descriptive devices, it's flat. Just like comics aren't literature.
Goth Girl: EXCUSE ME?
Me, in my head: They hatin on me, they only diss diss. And you see this bandanna hangin, that mean I'm like a bandit (like a bandit bandit). |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|11:25 am] |
I needed one more elective to graduate in May so I chose American Lit. Those kids are NUTJOBS. We had to read some shit like Native American poetry and then post about it on a discussion board and some of these posts are so WTF/LOL:
| Subject: Depressing |
| Does anyone find the poem, "At the Time of the White Dawn," depressing? Poor deer, narrating his own death. | Subject: Re:Depressing |
| No. The deer is part of a natural system of murder that lives on despite the attempted impositions of human morality, and therefore does not gain my sympathies. |
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LOLOLOL!!
The person after the second one wrote, "Who cares, venison is good." I need to find out who they are, where they sit, and then befriend them. I have a feeling they will be my saving grace in that class. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2008|12:24 pm] |
Sometimes people ask me about my icon. Like, where I got it, who it is. I really really like when people ask me actually because the story is so funny. I mean, to me it is anyway.
My icon is a man named Benjamin Hodges. And he is a Registered Georgia Sex Offender.
This is Ben in all his glory. I will now post his Sex Offender info:
NAME: BENJAMIN HODGES | | RACE: W | SEX: M | | YEAR OF BIRTH: 1947 | HEIGHT: 5'11" | | WEIGHT: 175 POUNDS | HAIR COLOR: BRO | | EYE COLOR: BLU | SCARS/MARKS/TATTOOS: NONE | | INCARCERATED: NO | ADDRESS: 310 DONEHOO ST | | COUNTY: BULLOCH | CITY: STATESBORO STATE: GA | | RESIDENCE VERIFICATION DATE: 01/08/2008 | ZIP: 30458 | | CRIME: PEEPING TOM | CONVICTION DATE: 07/10/2006 | | CONVICTION STATE: GA | REGISTRATION DATE: 07/11/2006 | | ABSCONDER/PREDATOR: NO |
LOLOLOLOL HE'S A PEEPING TOM!!!!
In my opinion, he chose the absolute best venue for him to explore his sex offender tendencies. With that balls to the wall lazy eye, he can peep on TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE at once. Amazing!! This is, roughly, the spirit of the American Dream: find your talent, exploit it, and use it to your advantage. Unfortunately he got caught, and only losers get caught, which is not part of the American Dream.
He lives like literally 3 miles away from me O NO.
I hope he doesn't somehow find this and get mad. I'm pretty sure it's legal to post this, since it's all up on the GBI website anyway. I guess it doesn't really matter. Even if he gets mad, I doubt he'll come after me. The registry says he's not a predator. Even if he was a predator, he'd probably just find me and then stare at me. A lot. I aint skurred. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2008|12:28 pm] |
Today is the first day of classes. EW. I had to get up at 7:00 THIS MORNING. Ew. But the first person I saw when I walked into the Political Science department this morning was the hottest teacher everrrrrrr that I have ever had. I call him He of the Insane Hotness Even Though He's Almost as Old as My Dad. But that's too long, so usually I don't really call him that. Oh man. What a banging way to start the semester. I talked to him for about 30 minutes in his office about classes and law school and shit. He told me he liked my hair now that it's brown and then he gave me a piece of gum. I think I'm going to be all Violet Beauregard about this gum. It's Wrigley's Spearmint, which I don't even really like all that much, but since he gave it to me, I don't want to spit it out. I'll just chew on it forever. At night I'll stick it to my headboard, then pluck it off and start chewing again in the morning. Plus he gave me an override into his class, so I'll have him again for the last semester of school. YESSSSS. Man I'm going to miss his fine ass when I leave.
Motherfuck it. I just registered for a Statistics class that meets on MWF at 8 am. 8 FUCKING AM!! On Fridays even! There's no way that will happen. But it has to, I have to graduate in May and I need Statistics for that. Goddamit to hell. How is my mind supposed to comprehend Statistics at 8 in the effing morning? I can barely even brush my hair that early. The plus side is the class is being taught by a "Marisa Williams" which sounds pleasantly unforeign. Nothing against foreigners, unless they are trying to teach me math, in which case I hate them because math is hard enough to understand without first having to decipher an accent. I mean. That's just difficult.
This afternoon I was talking to this guy Cody who has been in a few of my classes and all of a sudden, this girl fell out of her chair at the table near us. Well, she didn't so much fall out of her chair as she and the chair just both fell over at the same time. It was so awkward. There was a wheelchair next to her, but I don't think it was hers. She told her friends she was fine, but then she continued to sit on the floor for a few minutes. Hmmm. Cody kind of wandered halfway over there like, "Do you... need... help??" but he didn't say it very loud and I got the impression he didn't really know what to do. I know I didn't. He came back over to the bench we were sitting at and it was quiet for a moment and then I said, "Soo... what time is your class again?" because I am something of a master conversationalist.
SHIT . Some bullshit class I should have taken my freshman year is like, impossible for me to get into right now. Turning points and connections, what even IS that shizz?? The course catalog says the teacher can pick a topic they find important and relevant to American History and they better pick Britney Spears. Anyway, I can't get into that either. Two are open right now but they are occurring during other classes I have at the same time. Fuck scheduling, this is so stressful I'm going to bust up a bakery and the China Buffet tonight to make myself feel better. Probably not.
I have the worst sore throat in the history of the world right now. The whole world. Yesterday it only hurt on the right side, but now the whole thing hurts.
This is my longest entry ever. I'm so locquacious today. Excellent vocab word, Jess. Thanks, Jess. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|03:23 pm] |
$3,014,170,389,176,410
The MSN frontpage told me today that that is the amount of dolla dolla bills the U.S. Govt is being sued for by Katrina victims. I didn't even know how to READ that. I knew it was more than a trillion, so I just said in my head, "I guess Katrina victims are suing for 3 zillion dollars." It turns out it is a number called "three quadrillion" which I think was especially made up by someone like Stephen Hawking specifically for this situation. Who the fuck are Katrina victims kidding?? That amount of money doesn't exist, and even if it did, it sure as HELL wouldn't exist within our government's bank account. We've got shit like unwinnable wars to blow our cash money on, we can't be bothered with maintaining a BALANCE in our national bank account. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|06:15 pm] |
From an article in today's New York Times about the falling prestige of former blingbling professions:
"At the Chicago office of Perkins Coie, partners recently unveiled a “happiness committee,” offering candy apples and milkshakes to brighten the long and wearying days of its lawyers. Perhaps this will serve as an example to other firms, which studies show lose, on average, nearly a fifth of their associates in any given year, in an industry in which about 20 percent of lawyers over all will suffer depression at some point in their careers. "
I'm spending the rest of the week narrowing down law schools I'm going to apply to, writing personal statements, and hitting up LSAC.org like it's a bank and I'm a welfare mom with seven kids and a boyfriend who has a gun.
My little brother finally quit carrying that effing skull around with him, but only because we bought him a boxful of art supply shit and a robot game. Last night he went to bed, but came downstairs 30 minutes later to get his skull, which was on the coffee table in a Ziploc bag, and he told me, "Skully said he wanted to sleep with me." UGHGHGHGHG CREEPY!!! His eyes were not glowing red, but I didn't get THAT close of a look. Both of our pets and our parents were still alive this morning so I don't think he's turned sociopathic YET, but if they don't crack down and take that fucking skeleton head away from him, they are going to wake up one day like the Menendez parents. Meaning they won't wake up at ALL. I can see it now; I'll get the call at my office. I'll think it's the Happiness Committee, announcing another Ice Cream Social or something, but no. It'll be my sister. "Alex killed mom," she'll say and I'll flash back to yesterday, and that fucking skull.
We're out of Diet Coke and that sucks. School starts next Monday, but I'm looking forward to that, because in my apartment at school, there's no creepy 3 year olds carrying around animal skulls named Skully. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2008|06:10 pm] |
My brown and white dog Coco had puppies yesterday. Five black, two orange. The hell?? Eternal LOLs for the slutty dog who doesn't know the father of her own children! She's holed up in an old playpen of my brother's, nursing 24/7. She looks miserable, but that's what you get when you choose to be a ~Teen Mom~. I told my mom we should change Coco's name to Jamie Lynn Spears but my mom looked all sad and said, "That's not niiiiiiice!!"
I still call her Jamie Lynn when she runs up to me though.
My brother found some small animal skull out in the yard today in a ditch. He's been carrying it around all day and even took his nap with it. FUCKING CREEPY. My parents think this is sooo cute. Actually, he and I were sitting on the floor playing with some magnet toys and he accidentally sat on his skull and said, 'OWWWW!!" and that was pretty funny. But other than that, MENENDEZ/MANSON city. I'm almost positive he's talking to it, too. Ugh. Effing weird. We can't decide if it's a dog skull or a fox skull. He told me it's a turtle but he's 3 and fucking wrong. It has teeth and everything. He got pissed at me cause I told him he has bones and meat in him and we haven't spoken in an hour. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|02:09 pm] |
Mike Hendrickson died yesterday at 4:30 in the morning from bacterial meningitis. Twelve hours is all it took to take him out.
I said so many prayers last night- for Mike that he wouldn't be up in heaven, looking down and being sad about what he will miss out on by not being here. For Amy, his sister, who was so close to him. For Jake, who lost his best friend. But at the end of all my prayers, very quietly so Mike wouldnt hear, I said a big FUCK YOU to God because what the fuck?? Mike was 23 and healthy and all of a sudden he gets a cold that any of us could have gotten and it turns into bacterial meningitis and 12 hours later he's dead. I don't care what everyone on the Facebook group is saying, he is not in a better place. THIS is a better place for him. He belonged here with the people who will miss his smile and his sense of humor and him too too much. I hate to be all M'Lynn and Shelby about this, but this is wrong. You got it wrong, God.
I hope in Mike's heaven he is wandering around in the mountains, and watching Georgia football and deer hunting. One day I will try to find him again and I will give him a hug and we'll find the part of heaven that's like a backyard on a summer night and I'll say, I'm glad we can do this again and I hope you're not mad that I was so hateful to God after he took you and kept us from doing this all along.
We will miss you, Mike.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2007|12:25 am] |
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omg. today, the hottest teacher i have EVER HAD basically told me i'm hot. i was a little sad about classes ending cause i have some badass classes this semester but that completely made my day. maybe even my semester. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|11:01 pm] |
I was just watching some Carrie Underwood video on Youtube and the comments for it were SO lol:
How did I get here? Country music makes my ears bleed.
Carrie Underwood is the best singer out right now. All the people who don't think she deserves any award is fukin insane. She has had numerous #1 hits and i doubt any other country artist will be able to do that again.
Like, hasn't Garth Brooks sold more albums than Elvis now? And George Strait fucking owns Nashville or something. And yet... no other country artist will achieve the elite success of having two or maybe even three #1 songs again.
i LOVE carrie underwood shes my idol but my pawpaw siad she should not of one this award 4 a couple of years |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|05:39 pm] |
I just did this massive project on heroin. I spent so many hours on it. Hours I could have spent actually DOING heroin. J/P I hate needles. Although you can smoke heroin, it's called chasing the dragon. I know this know cause I spent many hours with heroin. I decided to spread some of my newfound education around via Facebook messages.
jessica:
here's your learning for the day:
some heroin users, once they've trashed all their other veins, will inject the heroin in their eyelids, under their tongue and into the veins on their penis. THEIR PENIS. ohguguoweruhghhgsdlhghh owwwwwwwwwww.
brandon: sweet. id love me some track marks in my wang.
jessica: LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL
In class Nick was bragging to me about how he drank half a handle of Captain Morgan Saturday night. I don't know why he told me because I didn't ask. When we left the building after class he said he could drink a whole entire handle and I said he couldn't and then he yelled, "OKAY JESSICA, WE ARE HANGING OUT AND YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH ME DRINK A WHOLE HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN! MAYBE EVEN VIDEOTAPE IT!!!!" So embarassing. He's got another thing coming if he thinks any of that shit's gonna go down.
I had to miss Investigations class today cause of stupid heroin and I found out that the teacher showed us pictures of child abuse. And I fucking missed it!! I WAS there the day he showed us pictures of people who'd killed themselves though. For some reason they were all old. If you've already lived your life and gotten old, what's the point of killing yourself? That's just dumb. This one old lady sat down in a chair and blew her head off with a shotgun. Literally half her head was gone. That was intense. But you could tell that her house was shitty. It looked like the waiting room at the Social Security Administration. I had to go there to get a new SS card and it was the most depressing place EVERRRRRRR. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2007|11:53 pm] |
Things I Need in My Life:
Edward Scissorhands
Less bitches, whiny
More bitches, funny
Today I learned two things:
1. UPS has trademarked the color brown. That's some bullshit. How do you trademark a color?
2. Sandra Day O'Connor's husband has Alzheimer's and he lives in a facility in Arizona and at that facility, he has met and made a girlfriend. Sandra Day O'Connor and her kids still go visit him and he sits there holding hands with his new girlfriend and they are happy for him because he's happy. When I read stories like that I become convinced I'm a jealous hateful bitch. Cause I would NOT be happy. I need lessons in how to be gracious.
Today I sent my friend a Facebook message and she quoted me from it on her wall. Awkward.
That is a gift you can give on Facebook. UGLIEST BABY EVER. Why would you give that to someone as a gift? "Here is this ugly baby." Shitty. |
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| pictures? |
[Nov. 13th, 2007|12:10 am] |
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Here I am as a devil. Haley is Mia Wallace, post-cocaine-induced heart stoppage. Ugh. She is the love of my life. Not quite, there is still Diet Coke and Bruster's ice cream to consider, but her costume is at least the third greatest love of my life.
Here is Danny trying and failing to look like Leonidas from 300. I think he is missing about 11 abs. He kept yelling, 'THIS IS SPARTA!!!" and telling his roommate to kiss me on the cheek, WHICH HE DID, EW.
If I were a better friend, I would crop Haley's face and send it in to Jones Soda Co. It NEEDS to be on a bottle. A bottle of their best tasting shit. I've never tried it though so I don't know what flavor that would be.
I like to call this one, A Pirate, the Devil, a Banana and Mia Wallace walk into a bar...
But I don't really have the rest fleshed out.
OMG here is Alex as a precious little baby dragon. I taught him how to act like he was breathing fire and he kept saying, "I'm breathing fire, wouldn't the debul be fighting me??" I mean, shit. He INVITED me. So we threw down and I kicked his ass. Mom was all, "You can't fight your 3 YEAR OLD BROTHER," but I mean... age aint nuthin but a numba. I see a dragon I'm a beat a dragon.
I don't know WTF his deal was with that wand. He stole it from this little girl whose costume actually REQUIRED a wand. I was like, "Alex. Bad ass dragons do NOT carry around pink wands," but he wasn't havin it.
Halloween was fun. I wish there was a holiday in between that and Christmas. Oh wait. There is.
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